before :: after

when you work eight hours, hanging up clothes and straightening sweaters, you have a lot of time for thoughts.

i realized something.

he and i, only two things can happen...

either this weird tension/flirtation/frustration/sometimes anger/unknowing/ potential/miscommunication/ interest lasts for the rest of our lives, because we've never actually spent enough time together to let it develop, or

we try it. it? like going on a date. going on a few. talking, for a while. about something other than the two of us and why we could never make it work. we talk, talk about school, life, anything else. we see if it can work, then.

and after that, maybe in a week or two, maybe after a month, i hurt him.

that's the definite part; the length before it happens is undetermined.

we push each other.
we're in different places.
we know we want different things,
but knowing how wrong you are for someone in the long term doesn't make you stop wondering.

i can't tell him i'll hurt him.
he knows i will, and he knows because i already have.
but then why does he want to see me?

it's not that we can't be honest with each other, because we can.

i think the thing is that we don't know what the other one needs to hear. we can say things, but we don't say the right things when they need to be said.

we are signals that keep getting crossed.
we are different time zones, we are rewound clocks ticking off-synch. we are an old photo album with faces you recognize but can't put names to. we are always almost, we are never actual.

(and maybe that's what i like; it can't be ruined, it can't end if it never starts. it is always perfect in its naivete and infancy. we haven't had the chance to destroy each other... yet)