before :: after

"um, i have a question for you," i asked him.

then he walked into his room, where, of course, his roommate was sitting.

"what?"

"nevermind," i said. i didn't want to ask it with his roommate right there.

"just say it, gosh i hate when people do that. you can't tell me you have a question and then not ask it."

he had a point.

he grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste and walked towards the doorway. he was tired. he wanted, no he needed, to go to bed. he'd fallen asleep in the library an hour earlier while trying to do work.

when he stepped into the hallway, i turned to him.

"hey," i started. "okay... is that whole you, me, kissing thing over?"

he groaned.

"mmmm... i don't knowwww..." he drew out the last syllable. "it's 12:30 in the morning. you can't ask me that at 12:30 in the morning. i need to sleep, i can't think."

i thought it was a simple yes or no question.

"okay fine fine fine," i said. "just go brush your teeth, and whatever. i don't want you to be thinking about this now."

"i just, it just..." he started. "it just doesn't feel right."

"wait, what? what does that mean? what doesn't feel right about it?"

his eyes closed. he stepped closer to me.

"i don't knowwww, i need to go to sleep."

he put his chin on my head. i closed my eyes. he said, "i'm sorry. i'm so tired," and started rubbing my arm.

"this is tempting," i told him. it was. he couldn't expect to position himself so close to me, in the same stance we'd been in every time we kissed before, when we were presently talking about kissing, and not expect me to want to. did he want to? or, more importantly, did he not want to?

then someone came around the corner and we broke apart.

then his roommate came out of the room.

"goodnight, go brush your teeth and go to bed," i sighed.

"goodnight," he answered.

so... now i have no idea.

(why doesn't it feel right? because he has feelings for someone else? because neither of us wants a relationship? because neither of us have real, true feelings for each other... i think? because he knows how i feel about not having sex? because he's simultaneously with another girl...if he is? because it's almost winter break and we will be gone for the next month? because it just happened so suddenly? because he's confused? because i don't want people to know, because he's a grade younger? )

the hypotheticals of the "this should stop" scenarios are endless.

they come, they come, they come;

he should have just said, "yes. this whole me, you, kissing stint is done."

easy and simple.