before :: after

a few weeks ago, i dreamt he left his dorm room door open and i snuck in. i found the letters i had written him tacked onto the wall, and a guitar, and a desk piled with spilling-over papers and pencils littering the ground, fanned out in circles of forgetfulness.

two nights ago i dreamt he had become my pseudo-art teacher. he gave me printed out instructions, shoved into my sketchbook, and watched me as i completed them.

last night i dreamt i was in love with him. this wasn't one of those implicit pieces if dream information, where you know how you are feeling in the moment without it ever being conveyed. it was more something i learned while the dream progressed. from my vantage point, i watched him across the studio, and followed his every movement. i measured the distance between his one dimple and the other, counted how long it took for his countenance to change from pursed lips to a smile, and what needed to happen to provoke it.

and then, the scene changed, and found us on a beach at night, but we hadn't gone there together.

i remember finding an abandoned blanket there and thinking how lucky i was, not having to lay down on the sand in my clothes, as it was sort of wet and cool. i lay down on it and panned the scene. there were a lot of people there, considering how late it was, and how poorly you could see... at least until your eyes adjusted. i lifted my head and rested my chin in my hands; the wind moved the ocean back and forth in waves and i felt goosebumps form and crawl upwards from the small of my back.

a mop of white-blonde hair caught my eye about twenty feet away. it was you, and a group of three other people, in the dream they were your family. you were happy, and i recall feeling the same way too.

then i woke up.