before :: after

then there's the problem of being eternally lonely, of feeling

like everywhere else people are having the time of their life, and somehow you're missing the mark and you can't quite put your finger on why that is the case,

and you can't quite convince yourself that everyone else is just as floundering, that

you're not the only one who's ever felt like nobody's company was good enough to make them feel truly, and exhuberantly, not alone.

and you don't want a quick fix to the problem, in the form of a boyfriend.

and you don't want to believe that it's your face or your body or your personality or your interests that keep things this way, but you don't have any other option(s).

it's the strangest sensation, wanting to hide and be found at the same time. maybe it depends on who you're hiding from, or who you're hoping discovers you.

who... or what.