before :: after

let's recite song lyrics...

"we got older, but we're still young. we never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up..."

"shower the people you love with love; show them the way that you feel..."

"and i wonder, when i sing along with you.. if anything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again.."

"i hear the laughter, i taste the tears.."

"i'll be there 'til the stars don't shine, 'til the heavens burst, and the words don't rhyme. and i know, when i die, you'll be on my mind, and i'll love you always..."

...

while i was taking my walk tonight, as i've grown accustomed to doing, now that i'm home for winter break, the thought hit me.

i don't think it's a bad thought, but it does make me sad, more than i thought it would, and it hit harder than it had before.

i go back to school on the 8th. well, not to school, per say, but a retreat. the retreat ends the 13th, and i'm up at school from then until classes start on the 18th. all of my other friends will still be here until the end of the month.

i'm going to miss them... so much.

last night was new year's eve. we had a dinner party, because all of us girls wanted to get dressed up and dance. we conned our guy friends into it, threatening not to feed them unless they looked nice.

we wound up at amanda's house, no surprise there, and my dad did the "catering." we ran around the kitchen using wisks as microphones and singing along to bon jovi and motown classic hits blasted through the stereo.

we threw triscuts at each other, and piled onto la-z-boy armchairs to take pictures. we complimented and critiqued each others' desserts and cooking skills, and watched eric somersault through the living room doing james bond impressions.

i did my stevie knicks impersonation of "silent night," and jaimie twirled around to demonstrate the magic of her accordian-pleated skirt. shannon told us of her trials and tribulations that went into making the chili dip appetizer. amanda caught priceless moments on camera...

we watched ken slide across the floor and fall on his butt, and listened to ricky and eric's rendition of a-ha's "take on me."

being home feels so right, and so comfortable, and so familiar... like a favorite pair of sweatpants. soft. and they always fit.

...makes me not want to go back, especially not this early.

i think back to two short months ago, when my grandfather passed away. jaimie had been home from school for a wedding, but she still came to the wake. amanda was there for hours, and she brought jim too. shannon came home from school, in connecticut, to be there, too. that kind of stuff doesn't just happen; you can't find those friends everywhere. i'm so taken aback - the laughter comes so easily, and there's never a question of loyalty. it's simple. it's pure. it's timeless.

i don't know how we got to be so lucky, i don't know how it came to be so good. so golden.

what haven't we made it through? together? and even when we've gone our separate ways, we grow and come back that much better after having experienced all that life has to offer.

i think of our sunny days spent at the beach, or bike-pedaling around the jersey shore. that night at the bon jovi concert. waiting after school to talk to our guidance counselor about a problem we'd been having. baking cookies and carrot cake together all afternoon. fixing amanda's stereo with a steak knife and a pair of scissors, before she woke up. making "happy birthday shannon" videos, and buying cardboard cutouts of orlando bloom to give to her. spending prom weekend in a beach house all to ourselves. driving around aimlessly, discovering new tunes in the process. watching "the best of christopher walken" dvd, eric's current obsession, and reciting all the lines from it. crashing the guys' poker nights, and inviting ourselves in on their plans. dressing up as football players for halloween. pretending to be the bay city rollers and singing "saturday night" in the back of jaimie's mom's car. being in the band with creepy mr. conti.. ::cringes::.. dancing countless nights away. making good fun of each other. our favorite movies.

i breathed in, and smelled something of a memory. someone was cooking, and, whatever it was, it reminded me of when mom used to make pork chops. i think it was broccoli, but i can't be totally certain.

the scent took me back to autumns of 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000... how time flies. i won't ever walk back into a house, early in the autumn evening, for dinner, again.

there is an empty chair at the table, and all i can do now is wonder why it has to be this way.

if there was no love, then it wouldn't hurt this badly.

i'll take it, though, i'll take it. i wouldn't trade it for anything.