before :: after

Today I think I acted very stupid. I was having a pretty good time, just talking to a friend. We were discussing the future - he has all these goals and is so focused I can't believe it. He says he's going to Germany next summer, and he's taking Geometry this summer so he can take more super-smart classes for super-smart people at his super-smart super-private super-far away school. Well those weren't his exact words.....but yeah the point is still the same. He wants to be a neurosurgeon, a pulmonologist....is that the word? Or a something doctor - it's a cancer specialist. But I didn't know that, he had to explain what the word meant. I told him I didn't like talking about the future....especially with him...because I have a hard time thinking about mine. And then he asked me what I wanted to do. Really asked, earnestly asked, like he was interested in the answer. So I sort of told him, as well as I could get my thoughts out anyways. And then I told him this crazy fantasy job I have, and.....then felt so stupid that I just muttered, "You don't understand." And then he looked me in the eye and said, "Then explain it to me." Being me of course, I shut him out and just kept saying no, that I couldn't make him 'get it' and then I didn't speak at all. I WAS SO STUPID!!!! Even though I can guarantee he didn't give my actions a second thought, they've been bugging me. Someone, for the first time in a long time, asked me a good question....and more than that...wanted to hear the answer. I could've told him everything at that moment, and he would've listened. You know what, he could've just asked me what my favorite cheese was - it's the whole principle of the thing. I had to be retarted and dramatic and create a stupid issue in my head about how no one will ever understand me, when in all truth it's probably my stinkin' fault...the reality is that maybe I'm afraid of the thing I want most - to really open up and know my friends. Ah well, another mistake to fix, one more thing added on to the "don't ever do that again" list. But it's okay...I'm okay....life is good.